Build trust through re-containing your story

Before you tell someone a story, you create a story container.

These are the “rules” of the story that help you and the listener agree about what is happening. We naturally do this whenever we have a conversation or attend a lecture or agree to be entertained. If the rules are not clear, the story is lost.

The container is a secured place and moment in time in which a story is transferred. 

We think such things can be spontaneous or informal but the container always exists whenever a story is told. Some common rules are:

1. There is a storyteller and a listener
2. There is a time and place where the story is being told
3. There is a point or purpose for the story.

For instance, when a teacher is going to give a lesson, the rules of that “story” are that the teacher will speak, the children will listen, it will happen at 9AM during lesson time, in the classroom, it will last 15 minutes and the point is to teach a moment in history. Those are the rules and everyone is in agreement that this is what is happening.

When a keynote is going to open a weekend conference, the rules of that “story” are that the keynote speaker will start their presentation at 7 PM in the ballroom and will speak for 45 minutes before taking questions. The subject of the keynote will be “Democracy and the Public Trust.”

There are rules to any story, and if any of them are broken, you lose your listener.

For instance, if the agreement is that the teacher is going to deliver a lesson in 15 minutes and instead continues for an hour, the children will stop listening and wonder what is happening. If the attendees of the conference are expecting a keynote on Democracy and instead the speaker talks about their marriage, they will be upset. 

In order to build trust, storytellers must do what they say they are going to do.

Get clear on the listener

Who is going to listen to this story? One person or many? Children or adults? This person or that person? Knowing who will be hearing and benefitting from teh story is the first question to ask because you will certainly have a different story and approach depending on who they are. You won’t tell the same story you would to a room full of accountants that you would to your 6 year old daughter. Name the listener first.

Next, ask yourself: why am I telling this story?

The effectiveness of your story will depend on the listener believing you know what you are doing and have a reason to speak. People’s time and attention are valuable, so make sure you aren’t wasting either. If they believe you are speaking only to hear your own voice, then they won’t be interested in what you have to say. But if you are clear on your purpose and have set an intention to your story, lecture, lesson, conversation, then the listener will relax and pay attention. They know it is time well spent.

And speaking of time, get clear on when this is happening.

If you say that this is happening in the conference room, then don’t start speaking in the break room. When you don’t follow through on an agreed time and place, people will feel unsafe and this is not what you want in your listener. They won’t receive what you are saying. They will be busy planning their response and sometimes how to get out of the interaction. It is unpleasant to say the least. 

Finally, don’t go too long. 

This is a big one and one that most of us forget. If you say your story will be 5 minutes, then don’t go a second longer. If your speech is an hour, then stop on the hour. When you go longer, you broadcast that you do not respect your listener’s time. You place your own agenda in front of their willingness to listen to you. It is rude to go too long.

This applies for online storytelling/presenting as well.  

But what if we have to change something?

What if my story does go too long, or if someone unexpectedly walks into the room, or I realize that what I prepared isn’t what this group of listeners needs? 

It is common for circumstances to change, and the proper response is to re-contain the story. 

If you find your agreed amount of time is coming to an end, you have options. Re-containing your story can sound like this:

1. “I see my time is almost up and I have more to say so please talk to me this afternoon.”
2. “I know I said 10 minutes but if you have another couple minutes, I’d love to continue this conversation.”
3. “I’m not finished with the story, but I’d love to tell you the rest. Would you like me to continue?”

If you assume it is fine, it probably isn’t. But if you honor the original container and then consciously re-contain, you will build their trust.  

If you walk into a room with a set presentation, but something has just happened that needs addressing, you can re-contain. This can sound like:

1. “I’d like to get to today’s lesson but I think we need to talk about what happened before school today.”
2. “I was planning on jumping right into my proposal but the storm has delayed a lot of attendees, so let’s spend some time with introductions while people arrive.”
3. “I know we need to discuss the trip, but I’m distracted by the news. Can we process for a few minutes first?”

Never assume your plan or opinion is the right move. 

When you check in with your listener and re-contain, it lets them know you are present and paying attention to reality. This, in my experience, is always welcome. 

Trust happens when you do what you say you are going to do. It is also built when you see that the plan needs to change and invite them into changing it with you. 

So in short:

1. Set your rules: the who, why, when, and how long.
2. Begin your story meeting the expectation of the listener.
3. When the circumstances change, re-contain the story by naming the change, and proposing new rules.
4. If there is buy-in from the listener, then proceed with the story.