Keep your Cool with Restorative Storytelling

I am a parent and a former elementary school teacher so I know what losing your cool looks like.

I remember getting so upset with one on my children that I burst into tears. He still reminds me of that day. I can also remember being so angry with my second grade class that I shamed them in front of a parent. The parent was not impressed and let the administration know what she saw.

I know what it is like to have the anger and exhaustion bubble over and take control of your words and actions. I also know the shame and regret that follows an outburst or emotional reaction. I know what it is to hang my head in disbelief, wondering how it happened again. I know better!

When I say that this is quite common, I know you know this. I know your colleagues know this and everyone has some solid sage advice about how to be a goldfish and move forward minimizing regret about past choices.

This could work, but it didn’t for me. What actually worked was for me to recognize that I was dealing with feelings, and feelings are notoriously resilient against most advice. What does work, however, is storytelling.

The tools of Restorative Storytelling are what kept me from losing my cool, and showed me how to keep it.

The tools work with our fundamental need to feel connected and a part of a community—that need is our strongest motivation. The feeling of separation and isolation is underneath any pain or trauma, and we avoid it at all costs. This is why Restorative Storytelling is so effective: it restores us to whole. 

Here is how to use storytelling tools to keep your cool:

First, remember what it feels like to keep your cool. Think of an instance where you felt serene, confident, accepting, compassionate, and yet strong. You can tinker with the feeling, but identify what you want to feel like when challenges come your way. If you can’t remember a specific moment in your life when you felt this way, then make it up. Imagine the feeling and immerse yourself in it. 

Describe that feeling out loud. Thinking about it won’t work as well, this is a storytelling technique so we do our best work out loud. Say something like, “I feel in control and strong but soft enough to pay attention. I am warm and full of life while being attentive and caring. I love this feeling.” Keep talking out loud until you feel like you have properly captured the feeling.

Identify a gesture or stance or facial expression that is authentic to this feeling. While you feel in control and strong yet soft with empathy and affection, what does your body look like? What are your hands doing? What is your face doing? Pick a gesture or position of your shoulders or a widening of the eyes that is authentically associated with this feeling.

Practice “calling” the feeling with the gesture. In Restorative Storytelling, we call this “intentional gesture” because we are choosing the gesture with intention. The intention is to restore our cool, so we use this gesture to “call” it to us. Do the gesture and notice how your feel differently. 

We call the feeling your “authentic presence”. It is the first line of communication before you say a word. Your listener can read your presence and receive massive amounts of information before a story or lesson or conversation begins. 

This is why keeping our cool can change everything.

The trick is to practice keeping your cool in advance. You call the feeling to you whenever you activate it with the intentional gesture. When you feel the calm confidence (or however you described your cool), you can be grateful it was that easy. You didn’t have to talk yourself into it. You didn’t have to engage in deep breathing. You didn’t have to count to ten or say a mantra or walk out of the room. All you do is shift your posture, move your shoulders back, widen your eyes, hold your two fingers together, or whatever intentional gesture you practiced in advance. 

Then you can simply enjoy the cool you didn’t lose. 

If you would like to learn other restorative storytelling techniques including authentic presence, clink on the link below.